Sunday, 17 October 2010


Okay, I'm going to write everything I'm feeling right now, in the hope that you'll see it and understand, because i can't keep pulling at this thread without losing the few marbles i have left.

While my friends have been busy building their adult lives, getting jobs, learning to drive, getting their own place, falling in love, getting engaged, travelling and enjoying everything life throws at them. I've spent the last four years in a state of empty limbo, never planning anything, never looking to the future, never opening myself up to something that could end up hurting me in the long run. I had so many plans for my life, but the day i was diagnosed those plans had to stop, because i had to focus solely on getting better. And yes i have shied away from life and new experiences because i am absolutely terrified of pushing myself to far and ending up being bed bound, i will not survive that. I've already been to rock bottom (which resulted in me stabbing a knife through a chair instead of stabbing myself) and i have no desire to set foot there again.
I can't drive, I've never had a serious relationship, i haven't seen any of my friends for over a year, family members have removed me from their life, i never plan anything because my body always finds a way of ruining it, i hardly ever go out, i suffer from crippling nerves and am always one bad experience away from having a panic attack, i have to be selfish and consider everything i do, and everywhere i go, on how it will affect me and whether I'll be able to handle it, which ends up making people think i don't care about them or don't want to see them, which couldn't be further from the truth.
How do open up your shambles of a life to someone you have (terrifying) feelings for and not expect them to run away screaming in the opposite direction? And it doesn't matter how many times that person says "don't be silly, no one's going to run away from you", i just can't shut off the voice in my head that says "don't let them get to close, don't let them get to far into your heart, because they'll leave in the end, just like the friends and so called 'family' who see how difficult M.E makes things and decide to bail out instead of trying an ounce of compassion or understanding".
I've shut off my heart and my life to new people and new experiences because if it all goes wrong it'll make my M.E worse.
Admitting all this about my life, hurts, and is very hard to do, so god knows how other people react to my life!
I try my hardest not to think about any of this, because it always upsets me, even as i write this I'm crying.

This is why I've avoided your questions, avoided making plans, avoided talking to you. Fear. All consumming fear.